I think I've hit that point, where I'm done waiting for things to fall into place."It" needs to happen and soon. I've been waiting to see whats next, knowing that eventually everything will work itself out in it's own time. I don't know what it is that am expecting anymore but it is a strange point to be at. It seems like there are so many different directions my life can go right now but I have no idea where they lead. A part of me is telling me that I need to kick things into gear and pursue something and the other is telling me it's time for a break, to take it slow and to just relax. I'm so anxious to have excitement in my life, something new or interesting that I'm forgetting what it's like just to slow down. I stress myself out over little details, which in the end, don't make a difference anyway.

I just want to take that next step in my life...whatever that may be.. 

So far everything has been going really well during my first month back in school. I've been keeping busy with my easy/fun schedule and actually enjoying parties on the weekends. I'm having REAL college experiences now that i'm living in the apartments. Everyone complains about how boring VA is because there are so many rules and stuff but if you've ever lived in the dorms you understand how chill it really is over here. I have honestly been having a really interesting time so far and its almost been too exciting. I feel kinda lame if i'm sitting at home on a friday, which was sorta the case tonight. Even though I was runnin around until midnight and even though its almost 2 and I did stop by a small party, i stil feel boring haha. In a way its a good thing because I feel more social but at the same time i only feel more lonely when im not going out. I'll have my car in a week though! Hopefully things will pick up even more when i do get it =D

So I am back in Cali now and of course its just like i remember it. For some reason I am not as thrilled as I was last time around..i wonder why ~_~

Well at least my dorm is suuuuper nice and so are my suitemates, unfortunately my roommate didn't show up. I guess it's sort of a good thing but at the same time I was ready to deal with one :P 

I need some sleep, classes bright and early! I'll write about my first weekend in cali later.

Did I call that one or what?

So as usual I come crawling back to my live journal now that I feel like crap. Funny thing is I always arrive here in the same way. I'm in bed, unable to sleep, no one to talk to so i get out of bed and wait for my laptop to boot up and by the time my live journal is finally open I have no idea what to write about.

I guess i'm here because I need that one person I can depend on when i'm feeling down and you know lately i can't even depend on kevin for that. I've been feeling so down about our relationship for a long time now and i have no idea how to fix it. I don't think he really understands what i've been feeling lately, even though i have tried to explain it to him. It hurts a lot to feel like you're losing someone you love so much and I don't know what to do. I've always felt like he and I would get through the problems we've had in the past but this one feels different..in a really scary kind of way. I'm just tired of always telling myself "wait until we're together again and everything will be fine, or just ride it out until the end of the month". How long do I have to wait for our relationship to feel important enough for him to make it real even when we're apart? When is he going to realize that i'm done being a part time girlfriend? Every time we're apart it feels like he puts us on the back burners and i'm tired of how it makes me feel.

I love him more than anything, I just wish I could believe he felt the same.

So its really a strange feeling..my brother has been texting me almost every day lately, asking what i'm up to. I'm just not used to it because we never used to get along very well. I mean, we tolerated each other lol but we would never hang out together and he even called me to go to the beach with him on friday. I think he's just growing up..and I guess I am too. We are getting to the age where we have more in common and enjoy a lot of the same things. I knew it might happen eventually I just never really expected it so soon and to be honest, it was kinda freaking me out :P

I was driving him home tonight and he was actually telling me about all of his ideas for businesses and some of the things he wanted to do in college. I feel bad because he is worried about spending mom and  dads money to go to HPU especially when he doesnt have a clear goal to work towards. He said he was interested in a few things like marine bio and digital media but my dad doesnt think they are a good thing to go into atm. I really want my brother to do what makes him happy even if its not what my dad wants and I can tell he is feeling a little lost. I told him he cant know if hes really interested in something until he gives it a shot. Our convo got cut short when I got to his house so hopefully he will talk to me more about it later.

I feel like i've gotten to the point where I finally feel my age. I remember when I was little, I would look at someone who was in college and think.."man they look so old and smart " and now that i'm at that age I feel no different than when I was in middle school. I think now, i'm finally starting to feel like i'm growing up..

I had a really nice drive home today and it got me thinking about everything..as it usually does when I drive home late at night

Things have been going really well lately and I am having so much fun being home. I forgot how much more freedom I have in Hawaii..maybe its because I have a car here. Besides, even with the freedom in San Diego, honestly don't have much to do there. I haven't had a single boring day since I have been home and I'm loving it! I've been hanging out with Keena a lot the past few days...we are trying to beat rock band 2 and apparently at the end theres a challenge where you have to play all 84 songs in a row..we worked it out and we would pretty much be sitting there for 5 hours straight :P

One of the best things lately is that I have been hanging out with people that I don't normally see much of like Tori and her boyfriend David, Nicole and lately i've been hanging out with my boys from Waldo's...last night they were here until 4:30 in the morning..i was supposed to get up to help Ryan make pizzas for a party of 50 but he never called to wake me haha. Its always fun hanging out with them. It's a nice surprise really, how close I have gotten to them even though they are a bit older than me. 

I really should be finding a job but I really don't want to..I haven't really had a summer for 3 or 4 years now and frankly, i'm really enjoying it so far. My parents finally got me a car :D I'm really happy hehe...It's a very pretty Saturn Ion. Its black and has suicide doors and it's a standard so i need to learn how to drive it...and soon...I guess other than that I just need to focus on my art. It would be a really good time to practice really. I never have this much time to spend on it. I also have a hard time doing art for no reason...which is kinda bad considering its what im majoring in but we'll see I guess.

hehehehe

Update~! I bought the cord today and I was able to get EVERYthing off of my old hard drive yay!! I was so happy especially since when i first tried to use it, my computer was telling me that I was unable to open my old hard drive. It kept telling me access denied. Stupid vista. I managed to go through some threads online about it and someone gave the helpful suggestion to run windows in safe mode and voila! Everything is wonderful again and my world is full of rays of sunshine once more.

haha so i have had an epiphany.. and i feel the need to rant about it. Why are people in SD so shallow? MY GOODNESS! Everyone here feels the need to be reeeeally bitchy for absolutely no reason. Even the guys. They call it confidence and I call it being a douche bag. For some reason everyone thinks that they are "the shit" and that they are better than you. It is kind of sad. Just an FYI YOU ARE NOT BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE...no one deserves to be treated like they are anything LESS than YOU. Everyone is so self absorbed and stupid. As much as I love it here in SD the people all need a good slap in the face. For the most part, I try to be a nice person and genuinely try to make people feel accepted or welcome and I think it is something that growing up in Hawaii taught me. People here need to learn how to listen and respect other people, to make a conscious effort to consider other people's points of view. Your way is not always the right way and you shouldn't make other people feel like they are stupid for having a different opinion than you. Who cares what someone is like on the outside, or where they are from, or what they own? I have decided to try a new method. I am on a mission to kill people with kindness XD What are people going to do if you are ridiculously and overly nice (not in a creepy way). Will they feel bad for being such a dick? Will they give it a shot themselves? It seems to be working so far...

So despite this weekend, when my computer crashed, I have been doing really well :)

Turns out my hard drive was angry and decided to jumped off a cliff. Good news is I called HP Sunday and now I have my new hard drive only two days later! Everything went well and I finally finished installing everything. Lucky for me I turned in all my big papers and writing assignments last week so I didn't really need my lap top over the weekend. I'm not very computer/internet reliant and i think it's because I get bored really easily anyway :P so it wasn't too devastating for it to be out of order for a few days. Tomorrow Rachel is driving me to Fry's to get a cord so that I can hopefully *crosses her fingers* move everything onto my new hard drive from my old one. 

I was reeeeeally happy on Monday because I did well on my RWS paper :D It completely made up for the crummy weekend. 
My teacher...yeah..she is a REALLY tough grader. She gave out one A, one B  and the rest were Cs, Ds and Fs.....I got the B XD!! wooohoooo! Not to mention I did extremely well on my comm midterm~

i don't have very much HW this week so i'm taking it easy for now. It is nice to just relax on a school night.

hmm..I haven't written in here for a while..Whats going on lately? i'm not really sure. I feel like things are moving so slowly but at the same time I have no idea where the day went. Maybe it's just that my days are moving quickly but the things that i'm waiting for/looking forward to aren't coming quickly enough.

I think school has taken a pretty good turn for most of my classes. I am doing extremely well in Math and Art which is funny because in High School math was a terrible subject for me..thats interesting because my math scores are what got me into Punahou in the first place, then once i was in I didn't do so well in it. But it makes me really happy to feel so accomplished. I can't even begin to explain how extremely great it felt to get that 99% on my test. I've always been dissapointed because I knew that I understood the material and i'd always do well on my math hw but as soon as a test rolled around I would fall apart and be let down.  I used to make so many mistakes. I think it helps that I am really enjoying the material that we are focusing on, not to mention my teacher is great.

Big bear was a lot of fun, as usual. There really isnt much to say about it. We partied, had a good time. Thanksgiving was wonderful. It was so nice to have time off and just relax. My aunt and cousin felt bad because they thought i was bored, but I wasn't. Knowing that the next day I didn't have to do any work or wake up at a certain time was refreshing. It was nice to see my family again. I am so glad that I am living closer to them...I think the greatest part is that it brings our two families closer. I haven't seen my aunty kathy very much before this which is sad because I think family is so important in a persons life. Her family in general is wonderful and honestly very kind hearted.. It's nice to see Steve has made her so happy too.

I am in a particularly mellow mood at the moment..happy about so many things, yet at the same time..no so happy about others. I had a great day besides the morning anyway. I woke up with the migrain i had last night..that was not fun. I felt so queezy but luckily I felt better around 12 so I was able to focus on my math test. I think I did well on it but we'll see. I went and got dinner with Stef and Eirene and we had a lot of fun. Then there was a mini party in my room tonight :P It started out as Eirene, Stef and I doing HW. Then people randomly started showing up at my door throughout the night. It was fun. Brent, Nelson and Aki started playing music and I finally figured out where my cam program was so Eirene and I messed around with it and laughed A LOT. The pictures get pretty rediculous with the different filters.

I need to find a way to motivate myself. I noticed a while back that I have a hard time starting things. And then even when I do find the motiviation to start one of my crazy projects, I get bored so easily, or lose interest that I don't follow through with them or finish them and I really hate that about myself. I could do/could have done so many great things if only I could find a way to motivate myself. UHG! This problem leads to so many other dissapoinments...if only there was a way. I'm going to start trying really hard to fight this. It's holding me back from being who I want to be.

I wanna be crazy! I want to LIVE life... and get the most out of life that I possibly can. I want to figure out who I am and be that person. I noticed also that I haven't been to happy with who I am, mainly just because so many people around me are so confident in who they are and I honestly don't have that confidence..If you were to ask me who I am and what defines me..all I could probably tell you was my name :P.
I think that at times I come off as a strong person, and confident but its all kind of a front. I want the real me to come to life and I want people to know the part of me that is passionate about things. I need to not be afraid to let loose..to show the "real" me and essentially be confident. Maybe im just afraid.. maybe it goes back to my lack of motivation.

Sorry for the random stuff in this post..like i've said before this is how my braind works. It jumps around so much that I have no idea what I am talking about sometimes. Hmm....I think this is enough for one night..

Waldo's is going up in flames, all because some stupid bitch is back. I wouldn't be surprised if Waldo's was on its way to shutting down when I visit for Christmas. I love that place so much and the owner is ruining it all because his son can't get any from anyone other than Missy. Missy used to work at Waldo's and she worked there for a long time. The only thing was that the entire time she worked there she was stealing money and giving away free alcohol. She always showed up late and never bothered to call anyone so everyone else would get screwed over. When she quit a year and a half ago she didn't bother to show up for her last day of work, and im not sure but i don't think she gave much of a two weeks notice. She left to go to some place like Georgia to live with her, I think, third baby's daddy (possibly forth -.- ). Things couldn't have been better after she left. Things were going so well, Waldo's was actually making money for once and for the most part everyone was happy. We had the usually problems like finding good help, but then again what do you expect when the owner is a cheap bastard. We had gotten to the point where we had weeded out the worst and had a pretty decent staff. There were always rumors about Missy coming back but they had cried wolf so many times that we never thought it would actually happen. About a month or two after I left for school she actually showed up again. Jean had told Mr. Cook (the owner) way before she had gotten back that if he hired her again, she would quit. Jean is his most valuable employee. She knows EVERYTHING about Waldo's and takes care of most of it. She knows most of the recipies and has her own ways of cooking them that are better than the ones in the book. She used to take care of the schedual and now Missy gets to go and change it however she wants. It's like she got her "manager" status back right away. Everyone else gets screwed. AGAIN. Now Jean has lost every other  Friday night (our highest paying night). I spoke to everyone last night and they are ALL miserable. Jackie is being accused of stealing now too. She has worked there for a long time and shes a good lady. Coincidentally as soon as missy gets back Jackie is stealing?! missy has Mr.cook coming in and secretly watching her while she works. People that have been banned from the bar are being let back in, people that SHOULD be banned because they are RUDE and stupid especially when they drink. Mr.Cook is an IDIOT! Does he not realize that if/when Jean quits, about half of the staff has absolutely no reason to work there anymore and that they will all quit too? Everyone there, except for Mr. Cook, his son and missy, care about Jean a lot. I know that was the only reason that I worked there so long. Everyone is pissed at how much he has screwed everyone over, mainly Jean. She has been really loyal to Mr. Cook and has always respected him even when he has been the cranky asshole that he is. The other day he asked someone where "that stupid bitch" (Jean) was. That set her over the top. He has nothing without Jean. Missy will not give a shit enough to help him when they start to go under and she will ditch his ass no question. I've grown up at Waldo's and im pissed that his stupidity is going to ruin such an amazing place. ARRRGGG! soon everyone will be asking "Wheres Waldo's?" ..............Go to hell missy.

Change in the making, as cliche as that sounds, it is true. We have made a difference and I thought that it wouldn't matter to me all that much in the beginning whether I voted or not, but I am really glad that i made the CHOICE to be a part of this event in our history. it really is a privilege for us to be able to vote. Even if you feel like you don't know enough about each prop or person on the ballot, figure out which are important to you and which will make an impact in your life. Take the thirty minutes out of your life to read up on them, and decide how you stand on them. You can always leave the ones you are unsure of blank. Barack Obama will make a wonderful president and I people can finally be proud to live in America, as terrible as that sounds :P.  He WILL bring hope, change and patriotism something that Americans have been needing most of all recently. Congratulations Mr. President :P, in the few hours you have been an unofficial president you have already changed the lives of millions. To think, this is a man who will FOREVER be remembered in American history. Listening to him make his speech, I was so happy, and I can't really explain why. Even though it was not a first hand experience, the numbers clearly show that people are changing, ideals of Americans are changing, unfortunatly Prop 8 in California, banning gay marriage, greatly disappointed me. Maybe I was expecting too much change in one night? next election I suppose. On the upside though, it was a VERY close race. The way people are thinking is evolving greatly and I honestly do think that in the next 10 to 15 years our generation is going to change the way America runs in ways we never thought possible. Even our parent's generation is very open-minded. I hope Obama makes a wonderful change in our lives over the next four, possibly eight years. Get ready!

I believe in system restore

I need to start going to the gym again. Neil and I went tonight but normally when i leave the gym i feel motivated and like super excited about cracking down on my workouts but that wasn't the case tonight. oh well, im going to force myself to go tomorrow again..hopefully :P

I am really excited about Friday! Everyone is going to be getting together, even Frosty is coming down here to hang out... Is it wrong to want to get totally shitfaced for once? Well we'll see about that one..

Hmm whats been going on..Things have slowed down lately and its really nice. Every week just goes by faster and faster, its crazy! before i know it ill be back home with my family and my baby gizzy ^^ My brother Chris and his girlfriend Monica are coming home too :) it should be great! Maybe i can convince Kevin to come along too XD ya right! :P There really isn't too much going on at the moment, or lately really, i will try to write a little more often in my journal again.

I really want to start up on my art again! I miss it so much. Creating something really beautiful that even you don't expect from yourself is the greatest feeling ever. That reminds me of this strengths test i took for my Seminar class. i'll post that later. It lists your top five strengths, for example one of mine was adaptability etc. Anyways, I haven't been doing too much art lately and it kind of sucks. Art is really my outlet for stress and i feel my best when i am focused and in my own little world when i really get into a project. I was hoping to be able to work on different elements of my art, like charcoal drawings and even pen. For my design class we are going to start color :) Unfortunately we are going to be working with acrylics. I was hoping to have an excuse to buy oils but oh well. I love painting and i recently did an art project with a gray scale. We had to reproduce a portion of a work of art and i did an awesome job on it using acyrlics which i've never really done before. I was so happy with how it turned out and i had a lot of fun with it. And that reminds me of something else. A.D.D. :P I'll have to write about my old art teacher sometime. Snowden Hodges. He is a wonderful and AMAZING artist (not to mention teacher also) and his class is probably one of my most valued art courses that i have EVER taken and probably ever will. But thats a different post :P 

anyways, good night! i'm just rambling at this point :P

hmm..there have been so many times while I've been here that I have loved so much...there are good memories already, but theres just something missing..something I have yet to find.

Man..I can't describe it...I am waiting for that one thing to fill that gap and i wish I knew what it was. Things just haven't fallen into place yet and I guess it's a little soon to be expecting very much at all. Maybe I just want this to feel like home already...

tonight was great..i said everything thats been on my mind..for a while now...and it went extremely well too
its susprising how affective alchohol can been when you have something aching to be said

I had a good time. Neil was awesome btw :P

Things are going pretty well lately, i had a small melt down tonight :P but when I think about it im doing okay. Last week was pretty discouraging though. Im just worried because I dont really know how much different assignments in my class will affect my grades and I have been working hard to do well in school. Ive spent more time working on homework in one night than i have ever done in high school. It's not that what I am doing is so tough, it is just all really time consuming. I am trying so hard to keep up on work and yet i still forget to do work every once and awhile. I am only human i guess. I do a lot of work only to go through one day of classes and have it all back again. Like i said, its all really easy but when it piles up (even when i try to get things done early) its still not enough. I'll figure it all out though. I want so bad to do well in my classes.I have almost broken my procrastinating habits.

Soon enough. anyway tomorrow/today i am going to go with Candice to an elementary school to help do renovations and possibly paint murals :) it should be fun..except for the part where i have to come home and do a paper :P oh well, ill get through/deal with it as always!

Night!! <3